JPF Home Page Forums Lyric and MP3 Feedback Lyric Feedback Forum 3 "A Change In the Weather" --Changed back to Gal POV --better?

EDIT 8/3: Due to majority rule (and ultimately my own sentiments), I have switched this back to the female POV. It seems I had made a lot more changes going the other way, but I guess this'll do in a pinch.

Whaddya think?

Beth

************************************************************************

Happy Sunday evening, everyone!

All these songs about the WEATHER I've been reading today gave me the extra incentive to finish off a song I'd started a while back. Still, I'm not sure if the title is the best... Any thoughts on that, as you wade thru it, would be appreciated....

Also, I'm going to call on you fellas for some additional insight. I had first written this from a female POV, but then I was thinking, hmmmm, it could work for a male POV too, with some simple modifications. PLUS, I still feel a bit badly about making poor Moker sing "Snippety Snip" way back when, so I thought it was time for a guy song.

So the question is...does it work from that standpoint? Or does it just sound like a girly song with a couple of changed pronouns?

All comments welcome, as usual!
Beth


“A Change In The Weather” -- Rev. 8/3
© Lyrics 2009 Beth Williams, BMI

Watching the rain pour
With pain bought and paid for
I pray for the eye of the storm
A moment of peace
A hopeful belief
The landscape will somehow transform

But the wind is too strong
It pulls me along
This slippery slope is so steep
Don’t have what it takes
To put on the brakes
I call you when HE falls asleep

Can’t kiss you
Just miss you
My sleeve is a tissue
You’re right not to pick up the phone
No more “one last time”
Final price for our crime
Gotta wipe the slate clean here at home

I sigh, back to bed
Eyes dry, a bit red
I slide in til HE and I spoon
Not fully awake
HE reaches to take
What I gave you that first afternoon

Temperatures rise, in spite of it all
Perhaps I can pick myself up from this fall

Can’t kiss you
Still miss you
But guess that’s my issue
Take baby steps, feel a bit better
When I realize the cost
Of what could’ve been lost
At last there’s a change in the weather

Definitely a chick song. Slippery Slope.

Hey Colin,

I suppose I don't help my Case For Male POV Case with that line...considering that I PERSONALLY fall down all the time!

Maybe if I changed this:

But the wind is too strong
It pulls me along
This slippery slope is so steep
Don’t have what it takes
To put on the brakes
I call you when she falls asleep

to this:

Sure, the wind is kinda strong
But don' get me wrong
I ain't takin this "BEEPITY-BEEP"
You thought youse could break
Me wid boobs, nice but fake
Though widout 'em, I can't get ta sleep.



HEE HEE HEE. Perhaps something a bit less cavemannish?

Seriously though, Colin, thanks for the feedback. As I said at the outset, I switched up the POV mid-stream...and though I like the reason for doing so....not sure it works for this particular song.

Have a good evening!!
Beth

P.S. As an aside, that's making me think of a potentially fun song challenge. Taking a "serious" song and making it funny...ya know, sort of JPF's answer to taking "a sad SOOONG and make it BEEEEETTTTER"). Or, the opposite. Take a funny song, and somehow make it serious. HMMMMM.

Anyhoo, thanks again!

Hi Beth,

I like it as is.
And this sure paints a picture...

Not fully awake
She reaches to take
What I gave you that first afternoon

Calvin


http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart

Here are the chick lines:

My sleeve is a tissue

Eyes dry, a bit red
I slide in til she and I spoon

Take baby steps

Otherwise the original works for a male POV. No need for those rappin' redneck lyrics!

Hey Calvin,

Well thank you kindly for your Official Male Take on this . I do understand Colin's points (which I'll chat with him about in a bit), but I figure, couldn't this just be about a very sensitive guy?

When love and loss are concerned, I think the lines between the sexes can be very blurry.

Anyway, I figured that particular section you pulled out might make it worth skimming past some of those less obviously masculine images.

Thanks again, and have a groovy day!
Beth

Very Likeable Lyric, Mz O!

Just 2 things sorta bugged me:
1) "spoon" is kind of an antediluvian word these days....
2) It's not ending up "Well-Resolved"...Singer's kinda passionless about The Way Things ARE/seems to be settling-for-"Less".

But..Sometimes That DOES Happen in Real Life...I'll grantya.

Still..in the Fantasy World of Romantic Songs....I guess the Usual Expectation is ya Pine Away Forever..or ya Run Away Forever.

Neither One's a-happening here.

But..heh..the Weather's Changing. I LIKE that bit/ DO wish ya Luck on this one's Success!

Big "Happy New Week" Hugs,
Stan

Hey Colin,

I sure appreciate the re-visit and your specific feedback.

It's funny you mention the sleeve/tissue line. In the original, I had "reached for a tissue"....but I had the vision of the guy just wiping his nose/tears on his sleeve. So it's the word "tissue" that's bothersome?

On the Eyes dry line...I guess he could experience it, but you figure as a guy, he wouldn't comment on that?

And finally, "spoon" is just something you don't think a fella would say?

I'll certainly take all this under advisement. I think I'm pretty committed to keeping it in the male POV, so I'll see what the rest of the gang thinks too, then take another look at it.

So thank you again Colin....and yeah, the rappin redneck was just a gag. ALTHOUGH, I'm thinking that would be a fun hook: A Rappin Redneck. I suspect it would center around his big ole belt buckle....

Have a good evening....
Beth

To me , it works for a female singer but not a male
I'm with Colin, only I'd find more lines than that
While it no doubt has counterparts in real life, it starts off wrong to me, for a male singer to want to sing.
He's complaining about the pain, poor little fella, Oh, please, please, give me a little peace, Maybe everything will magically be ok--
No doubt true in many cases, but speaking commercially, I can't see a male singer wanting to sing it.
I may be in a minority, but I'm used to that <G>
Still a pretty good song but not for a male IMO KOS
Y

Howdy Stanerooski,

Hmmm, this certainly isn't going as swimmingly as I'd hoped it would....but nevertheless, since you didn't mention it, what was your sense of a MALE POV? I'm not so much worried about the word SPOON in general, but Colin didn't really think I guy would use that term....

As for the ending, I was actually really proud of myself for even offering a smidge of hope. Usually I'm just one big downer, or a silly-billy. It took a lot for me to make this partial compromise.

I do agree it's not a "pat" happy ending....but I am leaving the door open for a reconciliation. While it might not have been the guy's First Choice....I think he's just coming to terms with reality...and figures, he either needs to $hit or get off the pot, ya know?

So anyway, I really appreciate your insight....since you ARE a male, you are sensitive...but also a Manly Man at times, so who wins out for this song?

Thanks again Stan. I'll be checking in later to see how we're doing....

Have a good night,
Jackie

Well. I'll have to think some 'bout this one.

What's wrong with spooning? It's not illegal, is it? Even in California?

I could see (hear?) a guy singing most of this; one would have to change a few words, but not many. I think it'd probably be easy to make it gender-neutral (or whatever the term is in this post-spooning world).

It is a little dissatisfying the way it ends. Yes, stickin' with the spouse (whichever sex the spouse is) is good; one should encourage socially desirable behavior (and that's not done enough, in my opinion). Still, I wish your protagonist could feel better about it. I don't know if that's necessarily a Guy Thing. I think guys (maybe just me) do appreciate blunt, hit-you-upside-de-haid happiness (boobs, buds, beer, and the remote); I'm not sure why one should assume girls have to settle for less.

That help any?

Joe

Hi Y,

Thanks for your feedback here. It does sound like the majority of folks are looking to send this back to chick land. Ironically, I haven't heard from any chicks, so wonder what they think about it?

I do get what you're saying though -- in that sure, there might be guys who respond this way...but you don't want to be one of them.

A bit later, I think I might switch her over, see what happens then....or maybe post both, and have a little poll.

Thanks for the insight...and glad that either way you think the lyric is "still a pretty good song".

Ciao for now,
Boo

I don't think I have ever heard a "manly" man say the word tissue!

I learned the word from my wife. Real men (I think the saying goes) don't use tissues.

Joe

Okay, I will be the first 'chick' to respond. I liked these lyrics immediately when reading through them the first time. I have to say I think I see it more as a female point of view but also think some things can be changed to make it more manly. Overall I think it flows very nicely and like the structure and rhyme.

I really like this:

I sigh, back to bed
Eyes dry, a bit red
I slide in til she and I spoon
Not fully awake
She reaches to take
What I gave you that first afternoon

Nice job Beth.

Take care, Vicki

Heh, first post.

It's a great idea for a song. I really like all the emotions that can be conveyed by someone in this position. You've captured most of it. The problem for me is the first verse, I hope you don't take offense but it's kind of useless. It's a bunch of words to tell us what can be derived from one line. I would like to see more story, tell me more about how he feels and tell me more about the situation. I don't know if it will help but Walt Aldridge wrote a song called "Holding Her and Loving You", Earl Thomas Conley originally sang it but Clay Walker remade it later, and it's the same story you're portraying here.

What I want to see(and you've covered some of this):
What did he do?
Does he feel guilty or Sad or which is greater?
Why can't he go to her?
How is he coping?
What's he going to do?

I hope the newb helped some .

Hi Beth,

All the verses are too introspective to be sung by a guy, except the last line of V2. That's a guyish line. Don't fight it, girlie, it's a chick song! How about this to clear up the "tissue" debacle?

Can’t kiss you
Just miss you
You’re right not to pick up the phone
No more “one last time”
Final price for our crime
Gotta fix the mess here at home

Just some thoughts.

Ricki

Hey there Joe,

Boy, I should fall asleep for several hours more often -- looks like some chicks dropped by while I was snoozing -- yay!

Anyhoo, back to you Mr. W. ...'cause at least in the simplest sense, we're on the same page: that is, I'VE been thinkin' on this one a fair amount myself (at least during my waking hours! )....

As for the POV, though I think I probably COULD make this a bit more manly with a modicum of finagling, I've come to the conclusion that I'm forcing a square peg into a round hole (or perhaps I should say, the other way around? ). So tomorrow when I'm TRULY awake, I'm definitely going to gather all these insightful suggs, toss 'em around a bit, and switch this rascal back where she "belongs" -- with a female POV!!

Regarding the ending, yeah, I agree it's more "feasible" for the woman to "settle"... But I'm trying to give it a bit more hope than that. Perhaps the singer DOES think about the lover when he/she is with his/her partner...and sure, the transition from Before to After will be challenging to all parties....but the "change in the weather" line was my way of saying the singer is going to try to look at things a bit differently. Glass half full instead of half-empty, etc. Basically, a commitment to TRYING to make it work. I didn't want to be over the top with that, and make it sound too corny.

So, once I get translate this into Gal-ese, perhaps that will make the ending a bit more satisfying.

As I said (I think!) to Stan though, I've actually been surprised no one has commented on --FOR ME-- this here practically Romeo and Juliet Happy Ending (relatively speaking of course)!! USUALLY my more serious lyrics end with death, grief, sorry and murder -- you know, the usual "uppers" ...so this was actually a nod to all the JPF'ers who always plead with me for at least a little ray of sunshine. Hey, at least it's a start, right?

BTW, as for spooning, I only think it's illegal in the left lane....

Otherwise, thanks for all the great feedback Joe. You and the rest of the gang have been very helpful! (though of course, all potential additional comments are more than welcome !!

See ya,
Beth

Hey Colin,

I wish there was a little token I could offer to you for coming back to help so many times on this...

How 'bout I switch it back to the girlie POV? Anyhoo, that's the plan!

BTW, my hubby uses the word "kleenex", as in "Go get a kleenex and wipe those boogers off your nose" (said to my snotty kids, not me !) But that's a humdinger of a word looking for a rhyme....

Anyhoo, thanks again, stay tuned...and just in case you do need one....

GESUNDHEIT!

Beth

HI Again, Mz O!

I've hadda think back..to Why Guys Cheat..& reflect on Why I don't think this is REALLY the way a Guy reacts to this situation.

I think when a guy cheats he's NOT really too-concerned with "What this'd do to my marriage"..as your Guy in here gets. (Maybe after he's "Caught"..THEN he does.) But this Singer's UN-Caught..so maybe that's why this seems more like a Gal's POV as The Tale Unfolds.

Guess that's it...this Guy's acting Just Too-Damn-Admirable to be Realistic...heh!

JMO..of course!
Continued Good Luck with it,
& 'Nuther Hug, too,
Stan

Okey Dokey Folks,

While I still believe there's a sensitive man out there who might react this way to the end of a love affair...I think in general, it does read more realistically from the female POV. SO, I changed it back, with just a couple of pronoun modifications.

It does seem like I changed it a lot more to make it a male POV, but for the life of me, I can't remember what those were (there than the obvious she-to-he revisions).

Anyhoo, I'm curious how you like it this way. I'd also surely appreciate a second look from those who read it from the male POV, maybe didn't buy it, so moved along to another lyric. And Colin, if you want to add anything, in a 4th visit...I'd be much obliged!!

I still plan to respond to the other posters...though hopefully the issues they've raised have been addressed by my reversion to the original set-up.

Thanks for all your help!
Beth

They use their sleeves though, right? Cause they don't wear monogrammed handkerchiefs anymore, do they?

(Total aside: In 5th grade, I beat a 6th grader in the school spelling bee by spelling handkerchief correctly. She forgot the "d", hee hee hee. I suppose I could have reminded the judges that she was Dutch, relatively new to the country, and barely spoke any English at all...but she also had inordinately large knockers...so I figured that cosmically it all evened out.

In fact, after mentioning this story once before here, I wondered what had ever happened to this poor trounced immigrant, so I googled her. And well, it seems she got past that minor setback...and um, is now, er, this international ecological/economical/education braniac -- various books, papers, lectures, etc under her belt. Thus in hindsight, my spelling bee championship seemingly set the stage for her conquering the world. Sort of a lose-win-win, right? Anyway, I have enough clutter around here without a Nobel prize, for pete's sake.

Besides, I do my part to keep the insurance and pharamceutical companies afloat, so it's all good .... )


ANYWAY, thank you Joe for confirming the tissue-issue....As you've likely seen by now, I've changed it back to a gal's song, so I think we're okay.

Ciao for now,
Beth

Beth, men still do wear monogrammed handkerchiefs (at least, when we're playing dress-up). Use them? Hah. When you got sleeves? Even my wife will tell me, "Use a tissue."

Yes, I think the gal-POV probably works better for this. Pity. It'd be fun to sing.

Joe

Hey Vicki,

Thanks so much for being my "Maiden Maiden" on this one (that might be an interesting hook... ) ! Also glad that you enjoyed it....even though it was, at the time, still in it's MALE form. I wasn't sure if these fellas wanted to admit they USED tissues or not !!

As you've likely seen, I've switched it back to a female POV, and it really does make all the difference. Even the section you pulled out still works well I think, even with the revisions to the pronouns.

I did actually enjoy working on this one...so I'm glad I'm getting some direct feedback.... from both boys AND girls now...

Thanks again, and hope all's well with you....

Beth

Beth,

This is a nice song. Its smooth, flows nicely, great alliteration. I like the way you use the weather in contrast with moods and emotions. Good metaphor. Overall, enjoyable to read!

Gary De Asi

P.S. I'm a Yankee fan.

Hi Gary,

I'm going out of order here, because I wanted to thank you right off for stopping by with your very encouraging comments. The song has morphed a bit, but I'm pretty happy with where it is right now.

What a shame then, that you had to ruin the moment -- A YANKEE'S FAN?! Isn't there some sort of SCREENING PROCESS here at JPF?? Woe is me....

Kidding aside, I do thank you for your generous words. Now I'm going to go find one of your lyrics and work on doing the same...

See ya,
Beth

Works for me, Mz O!

STILL feels like she's just settlin' for "What's O.K." tho..& a wee-bit Un-fulfilled. Which "Today's Woman" supposedly doesn't settle-for....

But...I'm sure SOME gals will definitely "identify"...& sing-along to it..&..yep..even Enjoy It, too!

Good Luck with it..KNOW ya worked Hard to get it here!
Best Wishes & Big Hugs,
Stan

Me with Stan. It's good, and it hangs together well. I just wish (also) there was a way for El Protagonista to feel better about it.

joe

Hi Stephen.

Wow, I'm honored to be one of your first posts. Welcome to JPF! It seems like we have a lot of new members lately, which is great -- the more the merrier!

Anyhoo, I'm glad you liked the idea behind the song and the emotions conveyed therein. I also appreciate you taking the time to go through it so thoroughly, and though I'm not sure I can agree with you regarding the first verse, I will certainly take all of your comments and questions into consideration.

So yes, the "newbie" was helpful -- though in the future you might want to come up with a more constructive word than "useless" .... like perhaps, "I didn't think the first verse was effective as it could be". Says the same thing, but in a more palatable manner! But no worries, live and learn!!

Thanks again for the visit, and I'll see you around the boards.

Beth

Hey Limey,

Thanks for stopping by to add your two female cents worth!

As you can see, I did change it back to the chick POV -- I was in fact too weak to fight it !

Accordingly, we no longer have a tissue issue. What a relief, huh?

Still, there are a few loose ends I need to tie up .... hopefully will get to those later today/tonight!

Thanks again, and hating ya as always,
Beth

Hi Again Stanerooski,

Sorry for the delay in getting back to you...I haven't been answering posts in their proper order ( ), and accordingly, I find myself a bit discombobulated (LOVE that word!) !

Anyhoo, I'm glad you took the time to come back and share your more comprehensive feedback with me. Though I have to imagine SOME men wonder/worry about the marital fall-out of cheating, it's a moot point because I've changed it back to the female POV.

I also suspect your comments are more in keeping with the one night stand scenarios, where the cheaters (male AND female) are acting/thinking "in-the-moment". This lyric, though, is about the end of a love affair. I purposely was not explicit about WHY the relationship is ending -- guilt? did the other person get caught? Or did her husband get transferred?

Regardless, the line: "you're right not to pick up the phone" suggests that she has begrudgingly agreed to the break-up...regardless of how difficult it is. Would a man be this "admirable", as you say, under these circumstances? Perhaps not as openly....

SO, that's where our gal sits right now. There have been some rumblings about making it a happier ending....but I'm not sure that would necessarily make it a better song....and more importantly, I'd have to believe there'd be SOME troubling aftermath....

Gosh, I've blabbed here much longer than I intended to (I know, surprise, surprise!)...but thanks for listening if you made it this far Stan....and again, thank you for all your encouragement!

Hugs gettin' stronger,
Jackie

Thanks Joseph for the thumbs up on the boy-to-girl transformation. And you know you're welcome to sing anything I write...the more the merrier as far as I'm concerned (not that I've had any gals approach, but I'm cool!)...

Ciao for now,
Boo

Well hi there, Randy!

What a pleasant surprise to see you here. I certainly appreciate such an in-depth analysis with corresponding feedback!

But first, I must "straighten" things out as far as who's who in this scenario . As intriguing as a threesome might be on some levels , in this case, our Gal (singer) is in the midst of a break-up with a Guy. She goes to call HIM when her HUBBY is asleep. When the Other Man doesn't answer, she slides back into bed, spoon-like up against her hubby, and as men are prone to do (wink, wink), he feels a warm body next to her, and doesn't miss a beat!!

Essentially, she wishes the other relationship hasn't ended -- and as I said to Stan, I left that open to interpretation -- but now she realizes she's got to do what my new sign-off suggests: "fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches." In other words, try to let it go and move on. It'll be hard, there will be a mourning of sorts I'd think, but she does at least let herself get aroused by her husband, so there's a flicker of SOMETHING to hang her hat on (that didn't come out right... ). Hope that helps explain the cast of characters a bit better.

Anyhoo, as to your other comments....

Second, thanks for your support of the opening verse. I too thought it was necessary to set-up both the story and the tone...and give the listener a hint of where it might be headed. Plus, got that whole WEATHER thing goin' on, so wanted to use that imagery at the outset.

Ah, here's one of the HE pronouns....perhaps I can change it to hubby to make it more explicit...but I hate to detract from our singer somehow....we'll see....

Regarding the last two lines of the chorus...I did struggle a bit with the word crime...but I'm not so sure it DOESN'T fit in her mind. As for incorporating another "weather-y" image, that's a really good point. I was in fact trying to expand upon the simple action of wiping away her tears earlier in the chorus with the greater idea of wiping the PAST with her guy-pal away. I still like that idea, but there might be some way to accomplish both... thanks for that idea.

I think I've clarified your questions on V3, and I appreciate your kind comments on that and in the Bridge. I was actually very pleased with the latter.

Regarding the "baby steps" line, I am quite partial to that. I feel she's subconsciously thinking back to a gentler, more innocent time....when the past wasn't so painful. So now she's gotta get past that in-between period, and focus on the future....

Hence the set-up for the final line.

Speaking of which, thank you so much for your support of that very line, Randy. You are in fact the first person to address the question of the title....but perhaps in the midst of the whole POV issue, it fell thru the cracks.

Anyhoo, I do hope I was able to clarify things for you...but in the meantime, I'll certainly be taking your comments into consideration.....

Have a good evening!
Beth

Beth,

Well, I think this is well-written. You've done a lot of work on this and gotten some great feedback. You’re going with the female POV I see, so I’ll just go with that flow….This contains a lot of emotion, from sad to contemplative to hopeful that gives it some nice layers. It’s touching because the narrator never verbally tells the people in her life anything of what we hear. So we are privy to the facts of her story.....which is cool.

I like how you bring it full circle at the end with the title line, “at last there’s a change in the weather after coming from the first verse’s: “A hopeful belief/The landscape will somehow transform” I like the subtlety of those statements that relate to each other like that. Plus, it gives the narrator a place to go...forward.

It's carefully done.....nice work!

Kristi

Hey Again Stanerooski,

You and Colin are neck and neck I think on revisits on this one!!

Anyhoo, thanks for stopping by again. As I've described, I do understand where you're coming from with the ending, but it feels more satisfying to me this way...

On the other hand, if some famous artiste would love to record it but for the ending....all bets are off!!

Have a good one!
Jackie

Sorry Joe...I should have "lumped" you with Stan. I'm pretty committed to the ending as is... Though perhaps it's not so obvious, there will be room for her to feel better down the line....

Thanks for caring!
Beth

Beth,

There's no doubt in my mind that this is a fully fledged girl song. It won't work for a guy at all! So you are on the right track..

Hi Kristi,

Looks like you're up!

So let me thank you here and now, for your words here and your encouragement behind the scenes. Yes, I've worked on this one a lot, but I've had some great insightful and accurate feedback, so I think I'm getting close to where I want it to be.

I also like reading your specific comments because you always write them with such care. I've found on more than one occasion you complimenting me on something I hadn't realize I'd done -- but heck, I'll take any sort of kudo you want to send me way!

Yes, the idea that this is sort of "insider" information was intentional...but right at this moment I wonder if the narrator is providing a bit of hope partially for that "missing audience". Does that make sense? Like she's trying to convince "herself" that everything is going to be alright...

I'll have to think on that. In the meantime, thank you again for your visit and generous comments. It's nice when I feel someone "gets" it, ya know?

Anyhoo, catch ya later....
Beth

Hi again Randy,

I'm glad you liked that new sign-off ....

Also I'm happy you can live without further clarification of the "he" pronouns. I don't think anyone else has had any problems with them (at least, that they've mentioned)...but I've been so busy discussing the narrator perspective, I feel they became almost moot once I decided on the female POV.

Gosh, it looks like you've written another post further down -- that's three visits each I believe, from you, Stan and Colin!! I feel quite honored (and will respond to your last one a bit later...).

Take it easy...

Beth

P.S. BTW, am up at the beach this weekend! Seems I've hurt my foot again, so housebound, but we're here! JJ might take kids to OOB tonight....

See ya!

Hi Beth,

I like this a lot; I wanted the chorus to hook me stronger, but this can work without that.

I thought "pain" needed a modifier, and "spoon" was old fashioned, but not impossible. "First" afternoon...if you are trying to say that her and her lover cheated several times, but the first was the best,--that's what that one word seems to say, there. Ah, I love words!!!

The feeling I come away with is of her in a couple of muddled relationships...The Husband gets to be "he", the singer sings to her ex lover...yet she "settles", so you know, maybe this is "smokey jazz", lol

Mike

Hey Beth. You have put a lot of thought into this and it shows.

I just wanted to say that I like what you have going here.

Douglas

Hey Mag,

Thanks for the vote of confidence!! Girls rule!! Well, guys do too , but the change in POV really seems to have made the difference on this one.

See ya!
Beth

Hey Randy,

Goodness, let me double up on your 3rd AND 4TH POSTs here -- and accordingly award you your Blue Ribbon for mosts posts on this particular thread.

First....SURE, Bonnie Raitt works for me . Just have HER girl get in touch with MY girl....

Which leads me to your thought-provoking questions about OOB . Regarding our neighbors to the North....I had a friend on another board whose hubby I had always kidded around with. WELL, a year into this, I learned he was from Quebec, I jokingly said "good gosh, I hope you don't have a speedo and a short zipped terry-cloth cover-up and Moses sandals with dark ankle socks!" And within five minutes he sent me a photo of the exact ensemble! Woe is me!

[BTW, I mean no disrespect to Canadians ....this is just the standard costume worn up here in Maine -- we're the first sandy beach they hit coming south....]

As to the fried dough gang, they're down in Ogunquit silly!

Anyway, as it turned out, hubby and kids never went -- the weather was too nice to leave the beach (or so I'm told ) ....

So there you have it!

See ya, and thanks again for chiming in....

Beth

Beth - as always, great job! This really flows, and I love the rhyme scheme, especially in the chorus. You never disappoint. Love the read. I'd love to hear it too. Thumbs up, for what it's worth. Thanks.

Hey there Mr. Z!

Thank you so much for stopping in on this one. Needless to say, I respect your opinion inordinately, so I was interested in what you'd have to say....

Regarding the chorus, I can see why it didn't GRAB you for three reasons. First, it's an evolving chorus (so less sing-a-long-able), second, I don't drive home the hook....and that leads me to the third reason. I think in her current state of mind, she alternates between being hysterical and in shock about this turn of events (we still don't know why, but that's okay)...and the combo ultimately leaves her numb. So in keeping with that feeling, I wanted the chorus to have a bit of a stilted feel. Like it's rote, these are the things she knows, this is what she must do, etc. Does that make sense at all?

Regarding a descriptive for "pain", I'd have to think on that, and spooning is just an old fashioned word I happen to love. I also know many women in today's world who use the expression , so I'm comfortable with its use here.

About the "first" afternoon -- my brain was wrapped around the notion of them being SOOOO physically/psychically attracted to each other, they "got together" very early in the relationship. Whether "first" means the very first time they MET vs. the first time they "did it", I'll leave open for interpretation. The important part to take away from that is the "first afternoon" was very significant to her. And did they do it more than once? HELL YEAH!!

Not so sure if she was involved in a couple of muddled relationships -- but I wouldn't qualify her as a serial cheater. I think this guy could have been The One. For whatever reason. But it's over now. For whatever reason. And as a listener, I find that confounding, that we don't know what exactly happened. But as I've said, that was intentional on my part. I want the listener to feel some of her confusion and despondency....

Finally, I'll concur that she is settling -- to a degree. Her hands are tied. She wants the other man. But can't have him, so is left to pick up the pieces of her marriage. I suppose she could walk away from him too, and just start fresh...but I think at this juncture, she's too fragile to do that. However, that isn't to say it couldn't happen in the future. Like I said, the "change in the weather" line is full of possibility....

So thanks a TON Mike for your encouraging and kind comments. I'll take "Smokey jazz" for $500, Alex...

Seriously, I appreciate the time and effort!

Enjoy what remains of the evening!
Beth

Hiya Doug,

Wow, that's a very nice compliment. In fact I have put a lot into this one....but I've been paid back with some very interesting and encouraging comments and discussions. The topic is a "hot-button" in a lot of ways, so I think people are inclined to want to add their two cents -- which has been very rewarding for me...and ultimately for the lyric.

I'd love to hear it musicated, but no takers so far (well, Mr. Wrabek did way back, but I think we've all agreed that Moker was the first and last gentleman that I should have singing one of my chick songs! )

Regardless, this has been an a great exercise for me....so I'm glad you're enjoying the results.

Thank you so much Doug -- your comments are truly appreciated!!

Have a groovy Sunday,
Beth